memories of yesterday

i’ve always treated them as my very bestfriends. i miss all of them.. i mean, it has been a long time since we hang out. as friends, as classmates or as batchmates. i miss them.

firstly, because they were the only ones who gave me the true meaning of the word bestfriend. though, i was the only girl in the group. they treated me not as a girl but as a friend. they may not think the same way but my elementary life was so memorable because of them.

secondly, they act as if they forgot everything about me. I miss all the teases, the senseless arguments, the endless walking and the deafening laughters we had. I miss them. so much. this does not mean that i found no bestfriend in my HS life but then, what I’m trying to yell now is the pain i have inside right now. the pain of needing. oh gosh.

thirdly, they can not even send a msg to me. or try to communicate with me. what the hell? am i really that insignificant to them? i don’t brag for their attention as what you may think while you’re reading this. but, i sincerely expose my anger and this despair i feel. that’s all.

fourthly, everytime we see each other. they don’t even bother to say hello or wave simply to me. or maybe, they can not even take a glimpse at me. as if, they do not even see me. you know, it’s quite unfair. after all those years we’ve been close friends, just because i transferred to a different school, they’d forget everything? what the heck.

fifthly, i am always the one who annoys them. for them to go near. so we can talk. shet.. and everytime we talk to each other, facing me is like a big burden to them.. they can’t look at my eyes directly. oh my gosh! what is really wrong with them? nothing has changed with me. nothing. that is what i’m telling them, showing them. nothing has changed. but i guess, they did. they did and it’s very unfair. that is not fair.

i need to forget everything and stop hoping that something would change.

merry christmas.

dec. 23, 2008.

8:04pm

naalala ko lang..:)

i'm back to my real self..
ewan ko ba pero parang gusto ko na rin magFilipino sa mga posts ko dito sa blog. wala lang. parang trip lang.. pero, marahil ito rin ay isang paraan upang mas mahasa ang aking sarili na sumulat ng mga lathalain o kung anu-ano pa sa Filipino dahil sa totoo lang nahihirapan na ako. nasanay kasi sa English..ehem..mayabang ba?

naalala ko lang ang buhay bilang bata ko..as in, bata.. doon pa ako sa davao noon. Hindi ung sa davao na kung saan eh kung mgjajaywalking ka ay sa kulungan ang bagsak. sa davao del norte, sa pinakasuluk-sulukang parte nito. marahil ay hindi niyo ito alam..new corella, poblacion, tagum city. basta iyon..
nag-aral ako sa isang primary school lamang pero grade 1 lang. napakabata ko pa non. nagtapos ako sa Day Care nang may honor. ewan ko kung ano ung rank ko noon, wala naman akong paki don eh. nung Grade 1 ako sa paaralang ito, nag-away at naghiwalay ang papa at mama ko. ayoko talaga sa papa ko, kasi sobrang hindi talaga siya mabait. at nakuha ata yon ng kuya ko.. kaya nga, i curse both of them..siguro, kaya nahihirapan akong magkagusto o magtiwala sa isang lalaki dahil na rin sa mga napagdaanan ko sa papa at kuya ko.. dahil sa hiwalayan nina mama ay napilitan akong tumigil sa pag-aaral..ewan ko ba..
by the next year ay nag-aral na ako.tama lang naman ang edad ko kasi maaga akong nagdaycare eh. 1 year younger than the usual.. doon ako nag-aral sa may central school..nainggit kasi ako dahil yung mga kapitbahay ko ay doon nag-aaral..kaya doon nalang din ako.. may sundo ako.papunta at pauwi, binabayaran namin ang tricycle monthly.. piso pa lang ang pamasahe non, kaya isang buwan marahil ay P100 ang binabayad ni mama sa sundo ko.. pero, ang tagal niyang dumating pag uwian na kaya nilalakad ko nalang pauwi ang bahay namin,ang layo rin non ah! kaya siguro halos buto't balat nalang ako noon.. hindi ko kasama ang mama ko non kasi nagtatrabaho siya dito sa Gensan at don ako nakatira sa lola at lolo niya. as in sa kanya.. ang papa ko naman, malay ko ba kung saang lupalop na yun napadpad, wala akong pakialam..
Grade 1: (2nd time) teacher: Maam Bulaquina
singit: may stalker na ako dito..ewan..ang ganda ko pa siguro nitong time na ito..hehe.. ang daming nagkakagusto sa akin.. once nga, may isang guy, kiniss niya ako sa pisngi, sinumbong ko siya sa guro namin at naparusahan ang gago..

masaya naman ang life ko, pag may sayawan, ako agad ang kinukuha nila as leader. active ako masyado sa sayawan dito.. may isang picture pa nga ako non eh, hawak-hawak ko ang isang arko at sobrang bad mood ako, dahil hindi ko memorize ang steps kaya hayun, napahiya ako.. nagpapicture pa ako at kitang-kita sa pic ang galit at pagkabad trip ko..
lahat ng kapitbahay ko, pag nakikita ako, lagi na lamang sinasabing kamukha ko daw ang mama ko..oo na, kamukha ko na.. mama ko eh..at lagi akong kinagigiliwana t kinaiinggitan dahil first honor ako. paborito talaga ako ng teachers ko nun.

Grade 2: Maam Ale
present pa rin ang stalker ko..yun nga lang hindi na siya nag-aaral, pero nakikita ko pa rin siya..yung crush ko rin na matanda, andun pa rin. present pa rin..
nakilala ko si Jomarie..babae yan ha? first honor rin siya nung grade 1.
doon kasi sa amin, walang first sections..lahat equal..hindi basehan ang grades mo, para malaman mo kung anong section ka..kaw ang bahala kung sinong guro ang gusto mo..
may classmate ako non, Kc name..Kathleen Charisse..sosyal! kilala siya sa paaralan dahil ang mama biya ang guro doon..maganda, matangkad, maputi at higit sa lahat mayaman.. pinagtatawanan ko ito siya dati dahil pag kinakausap siya ay sisigaw talaga siya yong tipong pakyut na..at kung magsulat ay linya to linya ang effect.gets niyo? diba pag grade 2,tatlong linya pa ang paper niyan?blue, red at blue. blue to blue yan siya kung magsulat..hehehe..

singit: pangarap ko nung maging majorette..ang ganda kasi tingnan eh..i remember, kukuha ako ng stick taz hala kembot. pangarap ko ring maging gymnast non, alam niyo ung parang stick na may tali sa dulo.. na pag ihampas hampas mo sa ere ay maganda tingnan. basat un, imagie-in niyo na lang..gumagawa ako ng ganun, tali at stick lang..hehe..saka magbali-bali ng katawan..Ü

oo nga pala, si Jomarie.. first namin siya non, 2nd c Kc at 3rd ako.. wow.. ang baba ng rank ko..

Grade 3: Mam Omega
may bago akong crush, wendell ang pangalan.. crush niya ako..MU kami..may isa pa akong kA.MU si Manuelito..

Hindi ko na naging classmate si Jomarie..iba ang section niya non.
may isa akong hindi malilimutang experience sa Grade 3 life ko..
Sa bahay, may nakita akong sandals..high heeled..wow naman..umandar ang pagiging "M" ko.. ignorante..hehe..sinuot ko yun nung Miyerkules, kasi sa amin, Pag wednesday ay pwede magcivilian..suot suot ko yun..feel na feel ko naman..flip pa ng buhok..tapos biglang natisod ako at natanggal ang heels ng sandals ko.. as in yung heels talaga..ang pangit! ginawa ko..tinali ko using rubber bands..ewan!kahiya talaga..sa klase, tinawag ako ni mam para sumagot sa board.. matalino daw ako eh, kaya pumunta ako sa board na suot suot ko ang sandals na may heels na tinali ng rubber band.. sana ay naiimagine niyo..Ü sobrang nakakahiya lalo pa't pinagtawanan ako ng guro namin..

First honor ako ganun din si Jomarie..

Grade 4: Mam Comidoy
Bumalik ang crush ko, pero Grade 3 pa rin..tumigil kasi ba..
May bago akong crush, si Patrick..Kasabay ko parati umuwi..sinabi niya non sa kapatid ko, na crush niya daw ako..bwahaha! kilig to the bones naman ako..san na kaya siya ngayon ano?

classmate ko si Jomarie.. Naisip ko non na dapat patunayan kong mas matalino ako sa kanya, kasi pareho kami first honors kaya dapat mas lamangan ko siya.. ang bata ko pa para maging ganun noh?
pero, bestfriend ko siya. as in..siya ang tinuturing kong tunay na kaibigan noon.. pumupunta ako sa kanila everyday..doon kumakain..haha.. masarap kasi sila magluto kasi mga Ilocano..

Naaalala ko pa, inutusan kami ng guro namin na bumili ng "napkin".. malay ko ba kung ano yun.. sabi nung napagtanungan ko na dumating na daw ang barko ni mam.. buong pagtataka ang nasa isip ko non..ngayon, gets ko na..(haha!)

nakarating ako sa Davao City non, dahil nanalo ako sa isang Science Quiz Bee.. di nga ako makapaniwala eh na matalino pala ako non sa Science kasi ngayon, bobo pa sa pagong ang utak ko basta Science..
At the end of the year, First ako. kaya sobrang saya ko.. matalino pala talaga ako noon..marami ngang pumupuri sa akin noon eh..note: noon..

Napag-alaman kong kukunin kami ni Mama at dadalhin niya kami dito sa Gensan..
Sa sobrang lungkot ko non na iwan ang bestfriend ko.. binigyan ko na lamang siya ng kuwintas..
sabi ko pa nga noon, pag bumalik ako, hahanapin ko yun sa kanya..hay..ang bata ko pa para maging ganoon ka drama.. pero, totoo..may deal kami non..


***ilang taon na ang nakakalipas at hindi ko pa rin siya nakikita..
wala lang..
namimiss ko lang siya.. Sa tuwing pumupunta kasi kami doon sa bukid ay matagal na ang isang araw na pagsstay namin doon..may trabaho kasi si mama dito eh..mahirap daw iwan.. ni wala akong oras na hanapin man lang si Jomarie..hahai..

wala lang.. naalala ko lang..

i'm a little..feeling crazy and confused and whatever....

he can't read this.he doesn't know this site.but to those people who know him, ssssh.. don't mention his name here..mmmp!

i hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself..

because I am so sick. Because I am so weak. because I am so weak. so weak. so weak. because i love him. because i love the person whom i shouldn’t. i love him. but i shouldn’t because he has a girlfriend.

you don’t know how much i care for you. how much i want to love you. how much i want you to be mine. how much i want you two to stop your relationship. you don’t know how much i wanted to hug you during my bday. you don’t know how many tears i shed for you. you don’t know how awkward being with you, when you’re trying to ignore me. you don’t know how it hurts seeing her messages and comments in your friendster. you don’t know how those rip my heart. you don’t know because you don’t care.

all these years, i am still waiting for you. i wait for you. although i don’t know if there is really someone to be waited. i hate myself because of all the people, why you? and i hate myself.. because after all those years, you are still the one i love?you are still the one i wish to be with my side. i hate you..because you can’t see me. i hate you because i love you!

you are no one but not a boyfriend-material. i love you.. i can love you more than she can. i can give you what you want more than she can. i love you..although you’re not my type. i love you although i hate you..

i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate seeing you because it hurts too much.. you don’t know how much.. because you don’t love me..
the fact is you really don’t care bout me..bout how i am suffering..how i consider you as a special someone. you don’t care and you won’t..

i love your smile.. your jokes.. they’re killing me.. the way you love your gf.. i hope you would do all those things to me and not to her.. i keep on telling how supportive i am when it comes to ur love life.. but deep inside me is a burning hell. each night..each night i remember you is hell.. it is so painful and i don’t know how to stop it or how to control it.. i always grant your requests whether they’re impossible or not. i make things possible for you.. and each day i hope you would do the same.. although it is so painful fixing your friendster when i see her msgs and comments and etc. i still try to ignore the pain because i know you won’t love me back. because i know she’s the one you think is for you..because only she can make you happy..because i know there is no hope for the two of us..anymore..

yes, we had a past.. an unconfirmed past..but you totally removed everything that happened to us.. and now, i keep on asking myself why can’t i do the same..why can’t i just fool myself in hating you and ignore your presence.. you don’t know how it hurts!you don’t know how hard..you don’t know..because i know that you don’t care.. you don’t..

neglecting is the best solution for this..but it is the least possible thing i can do..it is the least possible thing i can force myself to do because it won’t be effective..because it won’t work..because the more i see you..the more it hurts me..the more you bug me, the more i’m bothered. the more you love her, the more you make me feel alone. the more you tell her you need her, the more i need you..

i hate myself for falling for you because you won’t catch me anyway.. whatever i do..i would just be broken. i would just be hurt.. i would just be alone. i would just be in pain..and you would just always ignore and leave me..to be with her..

i don’t hate her.. i don’t hate her for loving you.. but i hate myself for loving you knowing there isn’t no hope..no hope..but i still am waiting for you no matter how i force myself to give to others every thing i give to you.. i am waiting for you to come and catch me.. and love me back.


October 28, 2008. i did this when i was so obssessed with this someone.. just a remembrance.. bother not to read..Ü

i had an overflowing feelings for him.. then, i didn't know if it would change or be alleviated.. but, it did...Ü

hiya na tuloy aq......mmmmp....

Bawat Sandali


Mula sa pagmulat ng aking mga mata
Mukha mo ang una kong naaalala
Hanggang sa pagtayo ng aking mga paa
Tanging ikaw ang nasa aking diwa

Bigla na lamang kumislap ang buhay ko
Mula nang ikaw ay aking nakatagpo
Binigyan mo ng kulay ang aking mundo
Ito'y paraiso, umiikot sa'yo

Ang aking puso talagang binihag mo
Maging ang aking isip ay kinulong mo
Tanging hiling ay sana ay maramdaman
Ang pagsinta ko ay sa'yo lamang

Pangalan ko ay hindi mo nababatid
Talagang estranghero sakin ang tingin
Sa iyo lamang ako'y nais magpapansin
Iyong paghanga ay aking nais angkin

Ninais ko ang mapalapit sa iyo
Nang sa gayon naman kahit papaano
Ang loob ay sa akin masanay
Ako rin ay ibigin ano bang malay!

Mga oras na ika'y aking masilayan
Ito'y parang 'sang malaking katuparan
Pagbaling sakin ng mahiwagang tingin
Kumbaga'y parang naabot na bituin

Ako'y nandito't palaging umaasa
Sana ay darating ang pagkakataon na
Tinatagong lihim ko'y suklian mo rin
Hiling ko sana ako ay ibigin rin

...i made this when i was in 2nd year..pambata!

so.. what's the big deal now? I can't remember who was my inspiration.. or did i really have one?

hahaha..

so, what is really wrong with me?

i want to cry right now. but i just don't know why. I'm making this blogsite a dump site, dump site of my unstability.
I get so irritated everytime i remember all the mistakes and regrets I've done..that no matter how i try to erase all of those in my mind, they just won't fade away..but they do otherwise, they tend to dig into my sanity more and more..i just have nothing to do but bump my head more to the wall..
why do i have to feel this way? and i really feel so bad about the things i've done. and i curse myself because i am a such a loser for being so careless in saying words and in executing actions..
may 25,2007.. oh how can i forget that date? i would never ever forget the day when i lost the only thing that i shouldn't have lost.. dignity..
and now? i get crazy trying to bring it back again.. win it back..

sometimes, i just want to fade away
knowing nobody would cry for me
it feels bad everytime i seek
for an attention;i get frustrated

i know you don't care for me
i know you don't need me
but then, i need you, as friends
though, for you, i'm worthless

i hate you..
for letting me feel more alone
i hate you..

twilight..

the movie was too far from what i've imagined edward was, in the book..and it was like, i couldn't feel his love for bella unlike in the book.. i was really disappointed of the movie.. i might have been expecting too much..and i just thought maybe, they had to make the movie in a hurry because of the changed showing schedule, because of that..the movie didn't turn out well. it felt like the movie is fast, the events.. everything about it.. and i'm impatiently waiting for the new moon.. i hope they'd make it better than twilight..


wait for my complete post bout twilight.

it's hard for me to give this a title

i never really experienced falling deeply in love with someone. well, i mean, to the extent that i would be giving everything and i wonder how that feels.. mmmp..
as of this moment, i read love stories and i do feel this envy, and this emptiness.. knowing that these stories never happened to me.. i feel like crying right now, i dunno why.. maybe, i must have taken by these stories.. in a way that i can compare the leading ladies' lives to mine..

emptiness.. wow..great word.. i feel i'm alone.. is that really the bad effect of reading love stories? it feels like i want to steal my heart away from my body and touch it slowly..trying to heal this emptiness i feel.. consoling it.. maybe in that way, by the time i'll return it to its place in my chest, it won't be hurting anymore..it won't be feeling painful anymore.

i got no words right now that would at least probably lessen the pain in my chest.. you know what, i try to be fallen in love with a guy.. u don't know how much i do..but then, i always fail.. i always feel this thing they call infatuation and end as a loser..

sometimes, i want to enter into a vague relationship just to feel love.. actually not love, i just want to be hurt because of love. yep.. and whoa.. i'll do everything for that.. oh men.. i feel numb right now.. i feel so helpless.. tsk3..

complicated noh..?
bear with my unstable emotions..

someone who's real

i miss being there..
cloud9.. as what they call it..
i miss falling in love..
and i wonder how am i gonna grab
someone who's real

i've always been infatuated
with someone who's not even existing
i always get head over heels
and it's quite bothering how i need
someone who's real

indeed i know how love feels
i'm not actually numb
yes i know it's not normal
but who i really want to be beside me
is someone who's real

edward cullen, crisostomo ibarra
i get crazy over these lads
i feel hopeless and i feel
the need of falling in love
with someone who's real

Great Orientation

Nov 14, 2008.. was the 4th time i went to city hall for Junior officials purposes. It was our orientation day.. We had speakers, to orient us of course. of how Gensan City hall works, the accountability, effective public speaking and lastly, we were taught bout the parliamentary procedure..it was fun..
I liked the public speaking part.. Hon. Ramon Melliza was our speaker.. He wasn't really that good in pronuncing words but he is definitely a good speaker.. he got my eyes stared straight at him and my mouth shut.. I will never forget what he told us bout Carlos P. Romulo..
Carlos P. Romulo was a short man.. very short that one time he needed to speak in front of a crowd but the rostrum was a lot taller than him..he told his secretary to get him something to lift him up, she took the thickest dictionary of the place.. and Carlos did get taller than the rostrum.
But, don't be deceived.. He was a great speaker.. One time, there was a debate and his opponent was a *big* Russian man.. The Russian told him.."If u won't stop..I'll swallow you" Scary huh.. But then, Carlos wasn't frightened yet he told the man.." If you would swallow me.. You would have more brain in your stomach than in your head.." oh.. what can you say? Great huh..?
After that, Carlos was elected as the president of UN.. He was the first Filipino who got that achievement..
Everytime he spoke to a crowd, they would always stop what they were doing and lend their ears to Carlos.

Hon. Melliza gave us some tips in public speaking..
*mastery of the topic
*consistence of the subject
*injecting jokes
*decency in words and actions
*and most importantly, sincerity..

I learned a lot from our orientation..and in the afternoon, we got into the session hall.. I felt that I was a bonafide official already..haha..
At the end of the day, i became the counterpart of Hon. Jose Orlando Acharon.. Nice..
And we'll be having our launching and oath taking this Monday at Gensan Oval Court.. with Mayor Acharon.. Oh.. Can't wait for the Mangrove planting next week!

Defy or Defend

i have an article here bout that "same-sex relationship".. This seems to be the "hot" topic of the town.. i just heard bout that celebrity who went to America to marry "his" boyfriend.. I watched one episode of Oprah where transgender was featured.. I saw how an anatomically boy turned to a girl. The same way with that girl who, when turned 16..got her breasts cut out, turned to a boy.
My mean in writing this article is not to hurt anyone who is involved in this issue, yet, try to hear each and everyone's comments bout such thing.
I see how rampant this kind of thing is.. I mean no purpose of discrimination.. I mean no point of impartiality.. This case seems to be so sensitive.. I hope to hear your views..

I obtained some lines from a religious magazine..

"The Church clearly distinguishes between homosexual orientation and homosexual behavior. While the homosexual orientation cannot be held against the person who experiences it, the homosexual behavior is considered intrinsically wrong.."
"Does homosexual behavior have a Biblical basis or justification? Absolutely none! Only those who have not read the Bible can dare to claim that God approves of, or is indifferent, to such sexual behavior. "
"The Bible says that the Lord God created the human beings "male and female" both in view of procreation and also for mutual help and companionship."

However some say, they're just expressing their love.. and loving was never wrong..

Why do some persons tend to fall in love with their same sex? Maybe, in some ways..they could feel their importance because of them. It could be that they feel more comfortable with them than being with their opposite sex.. Maybe, they had have enough of loving their opposite sex.. Or maybe, they were influenced by their friends..
Social Influence can be a great factor..

I need some opinions about this.
I mean, say something not just in a religious way, rather in your own way.. in your own view.. just as long as you say whatever you think..

Opinon:
For me, I was a victim of this thing. But, I never let it get the best of me.. What I felt was just a mere infatuation and I tried my very best to move on and forget what I felt.. I was greatly influenced by my friends .. I argued with each person who defied what I felt for my same sex.. I was involved and I really regret what happened.. However, it taught me a lot.. So, for me.. that feeling is just not permanent..

when i reached teenage,. or when the time i assumed my personality details.. i always thought i was a kind of a girl who rarely fears anything..
but then, when i watch horror movies..i get shaking knees..
when i reached teenage..i always thought, i was numb or stone-hearted..
but then, when i see beggars..i get torn-hearted..
when i reached teenage.. i always thought, i was insensitive..
but then, i get teary eyes each time my mother nags me..

sometimes.. in life.. your perspective can be wrong.. things you think what they are.. persons you think who they are.. may not what they really are.. even ourselves.. we can't maybe define our own selves..
time will come.. we wouldn't recognize our own image and personality.. the changes.. the improvements..
jumping to a conclusion without really assuring each single detail of who we are or what things are, but getting to the end of being discouraged of how things change seems disappointing.. in a sense that, we really do not know ourselves.

things are not what they seem to be..

experience taught me

sept 12-14 were the days of agony..
agony which led to lessons..
lessons of what does life exactly mean..

during those days..i felt so disciplined.. i was very aware of time.. of everything we do, actually..

we had our GSP camping.. indeed, it was fun.. it was amazing.. but it was tiresome! super.. the moment i knew it was the last day, i wanted to run away and sleep.. i was impatiently waiting for that day to come..
speaking of sleep, i haven't had enough sleep during the camping.. i couldn't.. first, inside our tent, it was so crowded that i couldn't move well. so hard, imagine..we were 4 in a tent.. and plus our baggage? it was not spacious.. and during daytime.. very hot! who could sleep with a burning tent? nighttime is inversely proportional to daytime.. cold versus hot.. very opposite..

i can't really remember the sequence of the events of our camping but i'll just give the highlights..
uhm, we had a game.. actually, i shouldn't have joined there if i knew something harder was coming..
we jumped..we crawled..we ran..we duck-walked..haha..etc.. we got naked..(i wasn't..i just took off my shoes, and accesories..) i thought we wouldn't win..we were such losers.. but, one time..when we did the duck walk..we thought we were left behind.. the trainor whispered to us saying we were the first placer,( i got stunned).. not because we were fast but because we were following instructions.. wow! salute..! hehe

2nd day's night was so terrible.. i was on my socks and i changed clothes.. i was supposed to go to sleep already when we heard Sir Sapues's whistle.. we ran and ran to the highest speed..we formed a line.. we were told to get our neckerchief.. i realized i was on my slippers, so i ran back to our tent to get my rubber shoes..at that time, i knew we would be doing a hard task.. but, i got punished when i went back to the line formation.. they said, i got no complete items.. i did pumping..waa..! we were many..it was better than squat, u know..
i got shaking and tired knees because of that sucking game.. pumping was really better..BETTER than sitting in the air..

guess what we did.. comando crawl..it was so hard.. my elbows were hurting so bad..because of those stones..i got so many wounds.. i wanted to give up but i had to pursue it for our patrol..oh, i forgot to tell you..our patrol's name is sabertooth! hehe..

3rd day was a relief..
last day..
we had our campfire and etc...
we danced, we sung, we acted.. we weren't expecting to be the first contestant..and we were caught unprepared..sucks! aliely was funny there...haha..
oh wait.. my patrolmates are..
Anjelica Madria..
Aliely May Alvaira..
Karen Joy Jardenil..
Christine Jessa Javier..
Lojeen Monib..
Jamie Villamor..
Nourah Angela Mesa..
Fatima Lorica..
i hope i can have their pictures posted here.. but then, unfortunately, i have no pictures of theirs..sigh..

by the time i got home.. i slept then..

oh damn.. we waited for how many fridays just to hear the awarding..
i wondered how many awards would we get.. i wasn't expecting any but they said we were the champion, that was why i wanted to know already.. because they were bugging and congratulating us and we had no idea what the hell were they talkin' bout..or how did they get that idea leading them to conclude or, assume rather that we were the champion.. as far as i could remember, we were not that active..uhm.


then...the day came..November 7, 2008.. Scouting time..
oh, surely..i was excited for the awarding yet i didn't know why was i feeling several butterflies in my stomach.. we got awards.. First call,..2nd call..and etc.. we got ribbons of different colors.. green=10 pts., yellow=15 pts., and i was wondering how we got it; red=20 pts or the first placers.. my mouth was hanging open when I knew we got 2nd place in the comando crawl category.. "hUh?" flooded in our patrol.. like, "atik? tama akung pagkadungog?" yes.. i was even in a confusion of if what i heard was right or wrong..or maybe, what i heard was just a hallucination or whatever you call it.. but, everything i heard was what Sir has said..and at the end of the day, we were awarded or *ribboned(hAha..I invented my own word..) as the C-H-A-M-P-I-O-N!! whoaaaa..
i couldn't believe it.. i was supposed to collapse..joke rah..exaggeration pud..


i remember, when we did the Comando crawl, i felt that "is this the end of the world?". it was hard.. it was pretty hard.. we were crawling on a rocky road.. painful for my elbows.. i was thinking when would it stop.. or, when would the trainors stop that agony..it pained me everytime i would try to move a distance forward, knowing that there was somebody pulling me backward and there were stones which were starting to dig and wound my elbows.. my elbows were the most hurt, really.. we needed to hold on each other's feet so we wouldn't be lost from each other's company.. it was hard trying to balance everything.. i just endured every pain, every wound, every bruise.. just to stand on my word to never ever give up.. another hard part there was when the time, we were showered or watered rather.. eew.. we looked like, plants.. and.. basang sisiw... I startled coz of the temperature.. of the coldness.. it was cold.. as cold as ice.. we were freezing.. all of us.. imagine, that was i think..1 or 2am.. wow.. i can't even take a bath at 4am..how bout that.. harsh.. when we were done with that violent part.. i swear..our underwears were such a heck of mud.. gosh..

well.. it was nice having such experience.. of how do campers camp? haha.. redundant.. and i learned how to make fire.. cook fast.. budget water.. budget food.. i also did appreciate the value of water.. yes.. really.. and i learned to never ever join a camping again..

got 7th ever?

"they don't know how to judge better works..!"
haha..
this was the first thing i thought right after i heard my name mentioned as the 7th placer during DSPC..
like..blah2..whatever..
i was screaming out loud, right after that..LOL.. i even tried to go back while we, my teacher and i, were on our way to the stage.. shockz! that was..uhm..uhm.. a big SAYANG..yuck! it was as if..i really wanted time to go back.. like, a 1-day rewind..i would then, fix my article and make it better.. i would then, not waste any single second of the 1-hour span that was given to us during the contest.. i would then, instead of staring at nowhere, write every significant word i could think..
why do i feel like i want to stand on a cliff and jump?that's exaggeration.. of course, i won't.. revise..revise.
why do i feel so trembled here and want time to go back? because.....
ONLY THE TOP 5 ARTICLES WILL BE JOINING THE RSPC AT KIDAPAWAN THIS DECEMBER 3,4 and 5..
wow! at that very moment i knew i got 7th.. i was screaming to the top of my lungs! not that thing you're thinking.. of course, i didn't do that wearing my brown Notre Damean uniform, risking our own school's name.. i shouted..inside..which only my butt can hear..haha

i was a broken tape..yelling at sir michael..(i didn't have much voice that time.. i needed to shout..) telling him to go to the jurors and ask again and again if were they really serious in saying that they would only get the top 5.. i kept saying that for about how many times already.. indeed, it was a relief to know that sir michael is an ideal person, a kind one.. very supportive.. he didn't mind the things i was uttering at him.. he was just, simply, smiling at me.. as if really to shout.."ok ra nah!"
and another thing i kept bugging was that.. it has been a usual routine that they're going to get the top 7 for the RSPC.. it's so disappointing that by the year i decided to take revenge(harsh..harsh..i mean, give it a try again..), that's the time they decided to take the top 5..and damn, i'm 7th..how bad.. i've been thinking of paying them..and forcing them to change their decision and turn it to top 7..gosh.. i even thought of begging them and kneeling in front of them..everything..i would do.. to satisfy my vanity..ü is it vanity? rather..to escape myself from insanity..? haha.. or just simply my nature? to annoy till death..

actually, the thing i said bout how *ungood(is there such word existing?) were they in judging? never mind that.. they were good..i just didn't give my best.. i got 7th though.. haha.. very proud..my fellow schoolmates did get ranks, too.. a salute to them..whooo! and u know, during the contest.. i wasted about 15 minutes.. reading and reading my newly-made article, then blinking and blinking..then, trying to sleep..can you believe that? no wonder, i lost..haha
the fact is that, i am not really sad nor happy about the results.. but, i just feel glad by the experience.. and i regret how i let those years passed by..those 3 free years.. those years i've let go because of fear of losing.. i nagged myself bout that.. i should have joined DSPC during those years..mMmM? maybe..i might still get the chance to be in the top and be at the RSPC..
gosh..time has passed by..no way to turn it back..

no way..and i'd be having my saliva flowing from my open mouth as i listen to my fellow schoolmates who would be joining that sucking 3-day event..no way, too! i still have my OWN achievements, though..

a great door..

when was that.. that day when i, together with my 6 fellow classmates, took the Junior Officials examination..
last year, i saw how one of my classmates and my other 2 schoolmates rose up to the point of passing the 2 screenings of the Junior Officials and I saw how life-changing JO was..
I felt envious of the need of formal attires each time they would have sessions or meetings in the city hall..
and it was silly to wish to be one of them, too..
i wasn't given the chance to join or to take risks in joining that certain program where each qualified student is able to be in the city hall--experiencing how city officials work in the session hall..since..
uhm, our advisers pointed some selected students and i was not part of them..i was really saddened of how things went out.. enough for that.. actually, the exam was nerve-cracking..ouch! when i took the exam, i was really, really, unconscious of what the hell the words were.. of how the hell were they going to be given meaning.. oh my gosh! i wasn't really expecting to pass..

the next week right after the exam, a letter was sent to our school... telling.. i and my other 2 classmates were able to pass in the JO's first screening.. i was happy of it..i thought that i proved another asset of myself which they questioned before.. which they weren't able to give chance..

october 16 was the date of the 2nd screening.. we went there.. and we were the first ones to arrive.. the heck.. i felt several butterflies in my stomach..gotcha! my number was 8.. whew.. shocks.. then, an ABSCBN reporter was there..
inside the room, 3 judges were there.. and you needed to speak in english.. we used mic of course.. shockz! by the time, i heard my voice introducing myself, i liked it..i liked my voice speaking in english.. i guess it was the power of the microphone..uhmmm??

they asked several questions.. simple, though.. i answered them confidently.. that was my motto at that moment.. JUST ANSWER CONFIDENTLY..
that was it! and yes, i saw myself in the local tv..mMmM? what the.. abscbn does work well hUh?
then..the next thing i knew.. i got to the top 16! ahaha.. nothin'.. it was fun..

wish me the BEST of luck..

i got no talent in writing but i tell you.. i'm NOT giving up..
tomorrow, i'm joining in the Division School's Press Conference(DSPC).. and i'll be competing with the different writers..feature writers specifically, from different schools and universities and like.. it has been uhm, wait.. about 1, 2, 3 years since i joined this kind of competition..and i lost..it seemed bad.. was i traumatized? not really..but, i engraved in my mind that.. I AM A NO GOOD WRITER.. yup! since then, i started not joining DSPC..

i don't remember when was it but, i brought myself into joining the Journalism Training. well, just thought that i should be moving on by that time..one thing more, i needed to balance my academic and non-academic grades.. actually, i am a less fighter in terms of non-academics.. and i felt like i'm left behind already.. fortunately, i got into the top 7 during the training.. we had a mock-dspc..there.. i won.. and it was a great achievement for me.. i became gutsy in joining the DSPC again..
and here i am.. preparing for my event tomorrow..

neglection

i still can't believe i feel this..
why does it have to be like this?
why is loving always accompanied with hurting?
why can't i just stay numb..forever..

..

this hurts me so much..
and i can not take it, i swear..
but i'm trying..
i just can not stay shut and ignore every pain..
i just can not stay at the corner and cry..
but, it's what happening now..


..

tell me..
do i really have the right to feel this?
i guess not..
i hate being jealous.. it is the last thing i want to do..
i hate being hurt..


..
i can move on, i know..

exhaustion..

what had happened this day was so exhausting. first thing's first.

morning. it's Tuesday..so, no flag ceremony. i woke up like, 5:30 am. i was really worried of the requirements for the DOST exam..well, i am very persevered to take the examination and pass it..u know why? because that's the only way I can study at Davao. I really want there. because I want to be like, an independent one. Experience how to feel being away from my strict mother. i was really really worried that I may not be able to submit and complete the requirements. Hate it..
It was our on-duty day. All of us is required to wear our complete GSP Uniform. But, I didn't because I was going to take the Junior Officials examination. I don't expect to pass. The exam was horrible..!
To take the exam is to go to city hall. Tiresome. But, we still had to fix our application letters. we invented our own letters with all the formal greetings and such. we were in hurry because Sir Ronnie said we were already late. It was so hard. The keyboard of the computer was so hard-to-press. I hated it.. And one more thing, the printer was so, shit, out of the timing! It was so, so, slow! grrr.. It is a classic type! I was really, really mad and there was something wrong with my application letter..not one but two! grrr,.! it is so hard remembering how mad i was..
waah..bout the exam.. really.. i hate it..don't want to talk bout it..
a procession was held at 1:30pm..we walked around the San Isidro. you don't know how far it is. as in..very far,. we ended up 4pm, i guess. owh.. see how many hours we walked? hahah.. when we're done, my knees were so heavy as heavy as stones! i couldn't carry them anymore..

that's all for now.. it is already 10pm. and gotta sleep! bye..

just a nonsense first post..

graduation day is just a kiss away..sad to know, in that matter of time, i wouldn't be spending my whole day time sitting in that caramel brown arm chair. it is indeed a different event wherein for sure, i would be shedding drums of tears. sad to know, sad to say..

but.. am i really prepared for college? yes, i've planned what course i'll take..yes, i've taken lists of entrance exams..yes, i am already 16 years old..expectedly, to have that age, i am already prepared..that is what everyone's expecting.. but..again..

i asked myself.. am i really prepared?


i'm really scared..
scared..
scared..
and scared of whatever will happen and won't happen..

wish me the best luck!