memories of yesterday

i’ve always treated them as my very bestfriends. i miss all of them.. i mean, it has been a long time since we hang out. as friends, as classmates or as batchmates. i miss them.

firstly, because they were the only ones who gave me the true meaning of the word bestfriend. though, i was the only girl in the group. they treated me not as a girl but as a friend. they may not think the same way but my elementary life was so memorable because of them.

secondly, they act as if they forgot everything about me. I miss all the teases, the senseless arguments, the endless walking and the deafening laughters we had. I miss them. so much. this does not mean that i found no bestfriend in my HS life but then, what I’m trying to yell now is the pain i have inside right now. the pain of needing. oh gosh.

thirdly, they can not even send a msg to me. or try to communicate with me. what the hell? am i really that insignificant to them? i don’t brag for their attention as what you may think while you’re reading this. but, i sincerely expose my anger and this despair i feel. that’s all.

fourthly, everytime we see each other. they don’t even bother to say hello or wave simply to me. or maybe, they can not even take a glimpse at me. as if, they do not even see me. you know, it’s quite unfair. after all those years we’ve been close friends, just because i transferred to a different school, they’d forget everything? what the heck.

fifthly, i am always the one who annoys them. for them to go near. so we can talk. shet.. and everytime we talk to each other, facing me is like a big burden to them.. they can’t look at my eyes directly. oh my gosh! what is really wrong with them? nothing has changed with me. nothing. that is what i’m telling them, showing them. nothing has changed. but i guess, they did. they did and it’s very unfair. that is not fair.

i need to forget everything and stop hoping that something would change.

merry christmas.

dec. 23, 2008.

8:04pm

naalala ko lang..:)

i'm back to my real self..
ewan ko ba pero parang gusto ko na rin magFilipino sa mga posts ko dito sa blog. wala lang. parang trip lang.. pero, marahil ito rin ay isang paraan upang mas mahasa ang aking sarili na sumulat ng mga lathalain o kung anu-ano pa sa Filipino dahil sa totoo lang nahihirapan na ako. nasanay kasi sa English..ehem..mayabang ba?

naalala ko lang ang buhay bilang bata ko..as in, bata.. doon pa ako sa davao noon. Hindi ung sa davao na kung saan eh kung mgjajaywalking ka ay sa kulungan ang bagsak. sa davao del norte, sa pinakasuluk-sulukang parte nito. marahil ay hindi niyo ito alam..new corella, poblacion, tagum city. basta iyon..
nag-aral ako sa isang primary school lamang pero grade 1 lang. napakabata ko pa non. nagtapos ako sa Day Care nang may honor. ewan ko kung ano ung rank ko noon, wala naman akong paki don eh. nung Grade 1 ako sa paaralang ito, nag-away at naghiwalay ang papa at mama ko. ayoko talaga sa papa ko, kasi sobrang hindi talaga siya mabait. at nakuha ata yon ng kuya ko.. kaya nga, i curse both of them..siguro, kaya nahihirapan akong magkagusto o magtiwala sa isang lalaki dahil na rin sa mga napagdaanan ko sa papa at kuya ko.. dahil sa hiwalayan nina mama ay napilitan akong tumigil sa pag-aaral..ewan ko ba..
by the next year ay nag-aral na ako.tama lang naman ang edad ko kasi maaga akong nagdaycare eh. 1 year younger than the usual.. doon ako nag-aral sa may central school..nainggit kasi ako dahil yung mga kapitbahay ko ay doon nag-aaral..kaya doon nalang din ako.. may sundo ako.papunta at pauwi, binabayaran namin ang tricycle monthly.. piso pa lang ang pamasahe non, kaya isang buwan marahil ay P100 ang binabayad ni mama sa sundo ko.. pero, ang tagal niyang dumating pag uwian na kaya nilalakad ko nalang pauwi ang bahay namin,ang layo rin non ah! kaya siguro halos buto't balat nalang ako noon.. hindi ko kasama ang mama ko non kasi nagtatrabaho siya dito sa Gensan at don ako nakatira sa lola at lolo niya. as in sa kanya.. ang papa ko naman, malay ko ba kung saang lupalop na yun napadpad, wala akong pakialam..
Grade 1: (2nd time) teacher: Maam Bulaquina
singit: may stalker na ako dito..ewan..ang ganda ko pa siguro nitong time na ito..hehe.. ang daming nagkakagusto sa akin.. once nga, may isang guy, kiniss niya ako sa pisngi, sinumbong ko siya sa guro namin at naparusahan ang gago..

masaya naman ang life ko, pag may sayawan, ako agad ang kinukuha nila as leader. active ako masyado sa sayawan dito.. may isang picture pa nga ako non eh, hawak-hawak ko ang isang arko at sobrang bad mood ako, dahil hindi ko memorize ang steps kaya hayun, napahiya ako.. nagpapicture pa ako at kitang-kita sa pic ang galit at pagkabad trip ko..
lahat ng kapitbahay ko, pag nakikita ako, lagi na lamang sinasabing kamukha ko daw ang mama ko..oo na, kamukha ko na.. mama ko eh..at lagi akong kinagigiliwana t kinaiinggitan dahil first honor ako. paborito talaga ako ng teachers ko nun.

Grade 2: Maam Ale
present pa rin ang stalker ko..yun nga lang hindi na siya nag-aaral, pero nakikita ko pa rin siya..yung crush ko rin na matanda, andun pa rin. present pa rin..
nakilala ko si Jomarie..babae yan ha? first honor rin siya nung grade 1.
doon kasi sa amin, walang first sections..lahat equal..hindi basehan ang grades mo, para malaman mo kung anong section ka..kaw ang bahala kung sinong guro ang gusto mo..
may classmate ako non, Kc name..Kathleen Charisse..sosyal! kilala siya sa paaralan dahil ang mama biya ang guro doon..maganda, matangkad, maputi at higit sa lahat mayaman.. pinagtatawanan ko ito siya dati dahil pag kinakausap siya ay sisigaw talaga siya yong tipong pakyut na..at kung magsulat ay linya to linya ang effect.gets niyo? diba pag grade 2,tatlong linya pa ang paper niyan?blue, red at blue. blue to blue yan siya kung magsulat..hehehe..

singit: pangarap ko nung maging majorette..ang ganda kasi tingnan eh..i remember, kukuha ako ng stick taz hala kembot. pangarap ko ring maging gymnast non, alam niyo ung parang stick na may tali sa dulo.. na pag ihampas hampas mo sa ere ay maganda tingnan. basat un, imagie-in niyo na lang..gumagawa ako ng ganun, tali at stick lang..hehe..saka magbali-bali ng katawan..Ü

oo nga pala, si Jomarie.. first namin siya non, 2nd c Kc at 3rd ako.. wow.. ang baba ng rank ko..

Grade 3: Mam Omega
may bago akong crush, wendell ang pangalan.. crush niya ako..MU kami..may isa pa akong kA.MU si Manuelito..

Hindi ko na naging classmate si Jomarie..iba ang section niya non.
may isa akong hindi malilimutang experience sa Grade 3 life ko..
Sa bahay, may nakita akong sandals..high heeled..wow naman..umandar ang pagiging "M" ko.. ignorante..hehe..sinuot ko yun nung Miyerkules, kasi sa amin, Pag wednesday ay pwede magcivilian..suot suot ko yun..feel na feel ko naman..flip pa ng buhok..tapos biglang natisod ako at natanggal ang heels ng sandals ko.. as in yung heels talaga..ang pangit! ginawa ko..tinali ko using rubber bands..ewan!kahiya talaga..sa klase, tinawag ako ni mam para sumagot sa board.. matalino daw ako eh, kaya pumunta ako sa board na suot suot ko ang sandals na may heels na tinali ng rubber band.. sana ay naiimagine niyo..Ü sobrang nakakahiya lalo pa't pinagtawanan ako ng guro namin..

First honor ako ganun din si Jomarie..

Grade 4: Mam Comidoy
Bumalik ang crush ko, pero Grade 3 pa rin..tumigil kasi ba..
May bago akong crush, si Patrick..Kasabay ko parati umuwi..sinabi niya non sa kapatid ko, na crush niya daw ako..bwahaha! kilig to the bones naman ako..san na kaya siya ngayon ano?

classmate ko si Jomarie.. Naisip ko non na dapat patunayan kong mas matalino ako sa kanya, kasi pareho kami first honors kaya dapat mas lamangan ko siya.. ang bata ko pa para maging ganun noh?
pero, bestfriend ko siya. as in..siya ang tinuturing kong tunay na kaibigan noon.. pumupunta ako sa kanila everyday..doon kumakain..haha.. masarap kasi sila magluto kasi mga Ilocano..

Naaalala ko pa, inutusan kami ng guro namin na bumili ng "napkin".. malay ko ba kung ano yun.. sabi nung napagtanungan ko na dumating na daw ang barko ni mam.. buong pagtataka ang nasa isip ko non..ngayon, gets ko na..(haha!)

nakarating ako sa Davao City non, dahil nanalo ako sa isang Science Quiz Bee.. di nga ako makapaniwala eh na matalino pala ako non sa Science kasi ngayon, bobo pa sa pagong ang utak ko basta Science..
At the end of the year, First ako. kaya sobrang saya ko.. matalino pala talaga ako noon..marami ngang pumupuri sa akin noon eh..note: noon..

Napag-alaman kong kukunin kami ni Mama at dadalhin niya kami dito sa Gensan..
Sa sobrang lungkot ko non na iwan ang bestfriend ko.. binigyan ko na lamang siya ng kuwintas..
sabi ko pa nga noon, pag bumalik ako, hahanapin ko yun sa kanya..hay..ang bata ko pa para maging ganoon ka drama.. pero, totoo..may deal kami non..


***ilang taon na ang nakakalipas at hindi ko pa rin siya nakikita..
wala lang..
namimiss ko lang siya.. Sa tuwing pumupunta kasi kami doon sa bukid ay matagal na ang isang araw na pagsstay namin doon..may trabaho kasi si mama dito eh..mahirap daw iwan.. ni wala akong oras na hanapin man lang si Jomarie..hahai..

wala lang.. naalala ko lang..

i'm a little..feeling crazy and confused and whatever....

he can't read this.he doesn't know this site.but to those people who know him, ssssh.. don't mention his name here..mmmp!

i hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself..

because I am so sick. Because I am so weak. because I am so weak. so weak. so weak. because i love him. because i love the person whom i shouldn’t. i love him. but i shouldn’t because he has a girlfriend.

you don’t know how much i care for you. how much i want to love you. how much i want you to be mine. how much i want you two to stop your relationship. you don’t know how much i wanted to hug you during my bday. you don’t know how many tears i shed for you. you don’t know how awkward being with you, when you’re trying to ignore me. you don’t know how it hurts seeing her messages and comments in your friendster. you don’t know how those rip my heart. you don’t know because you don’t care.

all these years, i am still waiting for you. i wait for you. although i don’t know if there is really someone to be waited. i hate myself because of all the people, why you? and i hate myself.. because after all those years, you are still the one i love?you are still the one i wish to be with my side. i hate you..because you can’t see me. i hate you because i love you!

you are no one but not a boyfriend-material. i love you.. i can love you more than she can. i can give you what you want more than she can. i love you..although you’re not my type. i love you although i hate you..

i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate seeing you because it hurts too much.. you don’t know how much.. because you don’t love me..
the fact is you really don’t care bout me..bout how i am suffering..how i consider you as a special someone. you don’t care and you won’t..

i love your smile.. your jokes.. they’re killing me.. the way you love your gf.. i hope you would do all those things to me and not to her.. i keep on telling how supportive i am when it comes to ur love life.. but deep inside me is a burning hell. each night..each night i remember you is hell.. it is so painful and i don’t know how to stop it or how to control it.. i always grant your requests whether they’re impossible or not. i make things possible for you.. and each day i hope you would do the same.. although it is so painful fixing your friendster when i see her msgs and comments and etc. i still try to ignore the pain because i know you won’t love me back. because i know she’s the one you think is for you..because only she can make you happy..because i know there is no hope for the two of us..anymore..

yes, we had a past.. an unconfirmed past..but you totally removed everything that happened to us.. and now, i keep on asking myself why can’t i do the same..why can’t i just fool myself in hating you and ignore your presence.. you don’t know how it hurts!you don’t know how hard..you don’t know..because i know that you don’t care.. you don’t..

neglecting is the best solution for this..but it is the least possible thing i can do..it is the least possible thing i can force myself to do because it won’t be effective..because it won’t work..because the more i see you..the more it hurts me..the more you bug me, the more i’m bothered. the more you love her, the more you make me feel alone. the more you tell her you need her, the more i need you..

i hate myself for falling for you because you won’t catch me anyway.. whatever i do..i would just be broken. i would just be hurt.. i would just be alone. i would just be in pain..and you would just always ignore and leave me..to be with her..

i don’t hate her.. i don’t hate her for loving you.. but i hate myself for loving you knowing there isn’t no hope..no hope..but i still am waiting for you no matter how i force myself to give to others every thing i give to you.. i am waiting for you to come and catch me.. and love me back.


October 28, 2008. i did this when i was so obssessed with this someone.. just a remembrance.. bother not to read..Ü

i had an overflowing feelings for him.. then, i didn't know if it would change or be alleviated.. but, it did...Ü

hiya na tuloy aq......mmmmp....

Bawat Sandali


Mula sa pagmulat ng aking mga mata
Mukha mo ang una kong naaalala
Hanggang sa pagtayo ng aking mga paa
Tanging ikaw ang nasa aking diwa

Bigla na lamang kumislap ang buhay ko
Mula nang ikaw ay aking nakatagpo
Binigyan mo ng kulay ang aking mundo
Ito'y paraiso, umiikot sa'yo

Ang aking puso talagang binihag mo
Maging ang aking isip ay kinulong mo
Tanging hiling ay sana ay maramdaman
Ang pagsinta ko ay sa'yo lamang

Pangalan ko ay hindi mo nababatid
Talagang estranghero sakin ang tingin
Sa iyo lamang ako'y nais magpapansin
Iyong paghanga ay aking nais angkin

Ninais ko ang mapalapit sa iyo
Nang sa gayon naman kahit papaano
Ang loob ay sa akin masanay
Ako rin ay ibigin ano bang malay!

Mga oras na ika'y aking masilayan
Ito'y parang 'sang malaking katuparan
Pagbaling sakin ng mahiwagang tingin
Kumbaga'y parang naabot na bituin

Ako'y nandito't palaging umaasa
Sana ay darating ang pagkakataon na
Tinatagong lihim ko'y suklian mo rin
Hiling ko sana ako ay ibigin rin

...i made this when i was in 2nd year..pambata!

so.. what's the big deal now? I can't remember who was my inspiration.. or did i really have one?

hahaha..

so, what is really wrong with me?

i want to cry right now. but i just don't know why. I'm making this blogsite a dump site, dump site of my unstability.
I get so irritated everytime i remember all the mistakes and regrets I've done..that no matter how i try to erase all of those in my mind, they just won't fade away..but they do otherwise, they tend to dig into my sanity more and more..i just have nothing to do but bump my head more to the wall..
why do i have to feel this way? and i really feel so bad about the things i've done. and i curse myself because i am a such a loser for being so careless in saying words and in executing actions..
may 25,2007.. oh how can i forget that date? i would never ever forget the day when i lost the only thing that i shouldn't have lost.. dignity..
and now? i get crazy trying to bring it back again.. win it back..

sometimes, i just want to fade away
knowing nobody would cry for me
it feels bad everytime i seek
for an attention;i get frustrated

i know you don't care for me
i know you don't need me
but then, i need you, as friends
though, for you, i'm worthless

i hate you..
for letting me feel more alone
i hate you..