reflections.

ask yourself
1. What I have done for God?
2. What I am doing for God?
3. What will I do for God?

Looks familiar, eh? The first time I saw this in the road, I was really amazed. Tama ba ang term? Hehe. Pero ya. It is really an amazing sign.

What have I done for God? Ano nga ba? Totoo, nagsisimba ako every Sunday. Parang incomplete ang week ko kung di ako nakakapasok sa simbahan to be with Him. But, I always ask myself, am I really sincere? O baka naman, this act has become a routine. Just a routine. Hindi talaga yung NEED. Am I fooling Him? Naahhh. I love Him. I make sure I do not commit sins nor do bad things. Pero, am I doing good things for Him? Kung hindi ako gumagawa ng masama, does that mean gumagawa na ako ng mabuti for others? Hindi ba't loving others is loving God? Since we do not really physically touch Him, they are there---waiting to be touched.
Everytime I see these people--beggars, handicapped, less fortunate, it is as if my whole world is consoling them. I think of the long-term ambitions. "Kung mayaman lang ako, aampunin ko tong mga to." Is this for real? O baka naman way ko lang yun para mabigyang reason kung bakit ito lang ang nagagawa ko para sa kanila o natutulong ko at kung bakit hindi ko sila natutulungan ngayon.

What am I doing for God? Ano nga bang ginagawa ko para sa Kanya? Kung meron nga, enough na ba yon? Alam nating maraming nangangailangan ng tulong ngayon. And I feel so guilty, cause I haven't donated a bit. Gusto ko nang tumulong. Yes, before classes resume ( that means, I gotta go back to davao), I will help. :) KAILANGAN. To satisfy my own need. I don't want to be happy and merrying while I know that there are many who suffer.
What will I do for God? Change. Change. and Change.


IKAW?

Defying nature.

back to blogspot.
dugay napud ko diLi updated diri. For certain reasons. haha.
nganu nagpost napud ko? wala lang. wa koy mahimo. suko napud ko over something nga dili nako makontrol.
AM I A BAD FRIEND?
Nganong dili man jud nako mastop akuang sarili to get mad sa isa ka friend na dili kabalo magsunod sa tama? I mean many things about what I said.
These past few days, I can't manage to stop the anger or the whatyacall "tampo" sa isang friend. Kasalanan ko ba yun? I have always asked myself, that if this is my nature, why does the Bible require us to change? And God knows, how I try to change this nature. How many times I defied nature. Just because I rely on what the religious sectors are saying. But, nothing has changed. WALANG NANGYARI. Here I am, ganoon pa rin. Nagagalit at hindi marunong umunawa. Bakit ganon? Siguro, ganon na kapowerful si Satan sa akin na nagiging norm ko na'to.
Bakit?
Do those people in the convent feel the same way? I can't escape from who I am. No matter how I pray each night. Maybe, kulang pa yun. Kulang pa siguro. Mabait ako. And that's what my heart and my body are saying. Pero, hindi ko nga kayang pigilan eh!
Hindi talaga.
Minsan, naiisip ko. Yung mga kontrabida sa teleserye na sa ending nagiging mabait, magiging mabait ba talaga sila forever? How did they do that? How could they change themselves? Totoo ba talaga? Bakit ganon? Ba't hindi ko magawa?


IF THINGS GET WORSE. WHO WILL I BLAME?
AKO BA?

wa ko nainggit.

yes..mamiss jud nako ang SCS.
yes..mamiss jud nako ang NDGSC.
yes..mamiss jud nako ang mga teachers.
yes..mamiss jud nako si Sr. Ma. Virginia Balayon, OP.
yes..mamiss jud nako ang library.
yes..mamiss jud nako si Mam Ureta.
yes..mamiss jud nako ang high school.
yes..mamiss jud nako si tOooooot.

pero..
daghan pud ko dili mamiss.
kay daghan kog ginakalagutan ug daghan kog mga hard feelings nga
gitago nako for a long time..
just to maintain a very silent world..a very silent classroom..
and a very clean name..with a clean dignity..

when i graduated..i felt a total pain..dili lang kay mamiss nako sila
kundi na-feel nako ang discrimination..
no, that isn't the right word..
na-feel nako ang great unappreciation..
maybe, they all thought i was very strong and numb para di nako mafeel ang ilahang
mga reactions toward what just happened..
sa ilahang mga ulo...sa ilahang minds...understandings..
poor TOOOOOT...too bad she didn't get it to the top..
murag..tanan tao, felt sorry bout what happened to her.. tanan tao..
nasayangan sa iyaha..

and there i was... expecting for something..
something that i loved.. and wished to have..


pero... yes, she didn't get it.. yes, she wasn't able to get it to the top..
pero..she got all the sympathy of the people.. wala ko nainggit.. wala..
nalagot lang ko..kay murag..the whole world is consoling her..
oO. taas akung grades sa iyaha.. pero right after nako nawitness tanan..tanan..
after nako nadungog tanan...
nafeel nako nga i didn't deserve what i got.. murag mao to ang ginapafeel sa mga tao sa ako..
ginaingon nila nga baba na sa imuhang rank..
she deserves it more than you do..

nasakitan lang jud ko..
kay tong mga tao nga giexpect nako nga mu-take sa akuang side..
wala..
wala sila..


noone was comforting me..
unsa to?
unsa ilahang giisip? nga wala sila pakialam nga naa ko sa gilid while ginaingnan nila siya ug.."u deserve more.."
unsa to?
indirect insult?
kulang nalang..ingnon nila to sa akung face.. nga.. duh ui....dapat mas baba pa imuhang rank.. paggive way nalang gud..
makalagot lang ba.. wala jud ko nainggit sa iyaha or whatever..basta lang..

nakita jud nako..ang mga tao nga gilove nako..wala jud sila.. wala sila... when i needed them the most..
all i did was to smile over those pains i felt.. and i acted as if everything was fine..sala pud siguro nako..siguro, dapat naghilak.hilak pud ko... para iconsole ko nila..para mura pud ug ako ang victim...and they would tell i deserved better..

waiting for you as it hurts more.

at first i thought everything was just a simple crush..oh I guess, i was always wrong..i never thought something as huge as this could actually hit me, but it already did..in my eyes, you are just a childish junior student.. a junior student---a year younger than me..this may sound silly but the first time i laid my eyes on you, i already felt this excitement..and i guess that meant something..i spent a year trying to forget every little thing i felt for you and i really really thought i was gonna be okay without your cousin, since he was just the only person who connected the two of us..and i thought, i forgot you..but never in my life have i wished to feel this again..never..


i feel this love for you..i felt all the excitement, the kilig's, the kiliti's..and how foolish of me to think that we could at least be partners this promenade..oh Gosh..you are such an amazing guy..you are talented, but frankly saying, i am a lot better than you..that thing really makes me feel flattered for i know, there's still something in me that you may and can admire..you were my inspiration..you were the one i considered my clown because you make me feel happy and determined..you were the one i always thought whenever i step on to the gate of our school..oh, com'n! smile at me..these were the words i always wished whenever i take a glance on you..we're not friends..we're not even talking..but i am contented with that..

you cannot even look at me and say hi.. at least, we were once magkakilala, weren't we? and you were once my student, weren't you? i taught you Math right? do you remember? sometimes, i wish that LOVE is like mathematics that is easy to analyze and easy to understand..some think, it's nose bleeding..however, in contrast with that, love is just so complicated..and as you try to dig for an answer, it's hurting more..and as you wait, your heart bleeds..

drafts

well.. i haven't been updating my blogsite for how many weeks already..and surely, i missed this..let's say, i just couldn't find the inspiration to write..check my drafts.. i have lots of unfinished works..

feb 19-21, there was an event in our school..Mini fair.. it's an event which students would learn how to do business and stuffs like that..actually, the highlights were the octopus and the starry wheel..though, the tickets were absolutely expensive..there were other options, anyway.. uhm, zipline and the rappeling.. i tried both..and swear, both were really thrilling.. when i tried the zipline, i really really thought it was the end of my life..*laughs



honestly, i couldn't find the exact word to write. And this one was done last February. I just checked my drafts and boom, i found this unfinished article. And I am gonna finish this.
I am gonna miss the Mini Fair. Totally. Those high school days. Those memories. Maybe, you're already fed up with so much of my aftergraduation blogs. Ahehe. Peace.

waa.. i'm running out of words to say.:)
byebye for now.

hAppy!

i have a new crush..
Hahaha..
super hAppy..
mMmmh..
nOt *daga..

just a defense;no big deal

Philippines is a free country. yah right. but as what Sir Sapues has said, your freedom ends when mine starts. so what does that mean? you may have the right to oppose us but never in an improper way.. i mean, we also do have the right to admire a single thing, whether they mean to you or not.
so what if, we read twilight as often as you don’t?
what if, we scream if edward cullen’s picture is there?
what if, we put our names before “cullen”?
what if we can’t stop blabbering bout twilight?
what if our shoutout is bout twilight?
what if we always read twilight saga?
so what?
what does it do to you? what do we do to you?
nothing.. right? or you're just simply making a big thing from that. so why?
do we bother you? why care?
we all do have different tastes. We may share different opinions regarding a thing.. i may like this, you may not. so what? i have the right to choose what i think is good, and you can not oppose that.. why do you have to criticize the things we like? i mean, why do you bother to bother us of how we admire or appreciate or whatever, a thing?
why would you waste your time?
NO OFFENSE..

mMmf..
so kailangan talaga makialam?
LOL..

memories of yesterday

i’ve always treated them as my very bestfriends. i miss all of them.. i mean, it has been a long time since we hang out. as friends, as classmates or as batchmates. i miss them.

firstly, because they were the only ones who gave me the true meaning of the word bestfriend. though, i was the only girl in the group. they treated me not as a girl but as a friend. they may not think the same way but my elementary life was so memorable because of them.

secondly, they act as if they forgot everything about me. I miss all the teases, the senseless arguments, the endless walking and the deafening laughters we had. I miss them. so much. this does not mean that i found no bestfriend in my HS life but then, what I’m trying to yell now is the pain i have inside right now. the pain of needing. oh gosh.

thirdly, they can not even send a msg to me. or try to communicate with me. what the hell? am i really that insignificant to them? i don’t brag for their attention as what you may think while you’re reading this. but, i sincerely expose my anger and this despair i feel. that’s all.

fourthly, everytime we see each other. they don’t even bother to say hello or wave simply to me. or maybe, they can not even take a glimpse at me. as if, they do not even see me. you know, it’s quite unfair. after all those years we’ve been close friends, just because i transferred to a different school, they’d forget everything? what the heck.

fifthly, i am always the one who annoys them. for them to go near. so we can talk. shet.. and everytime we talk to each other, facing me is like a big burden to them.. they can’t look at my eyes directly. oh my gosh! what is really wrong with them? nothing has changed with me. nothing. that is what i’m telling them, showing them. nothing has changed. but i guess, they did. they did and it’s very unfair. that is not fair.

i need to forget everything and stop hoping that something would change.

merry christmas.

dec. 23, 2008.

8:04pm

naalala ko lang..:)

i'm back to my real self..
ewan ko ba pero parang gusto ko na rin magFilipino sa mga posts ko dito sa blog. wala lang. parang trip lang.. pero, marahil ito rin ay isang paraan upang mas mahasa ang aking sarili na sumulat ng mga lathalain o kung anu-ano pa sa Filipino dahil sa totoo lang nahihirapan na ako. nasanay kasi sa English..ehem..mayabang ba?

naalala ko lang ang buhay bilang bata ko..as in, bata.. doon pa ako sa davao noon. Hindi ung sa davao na kung saan eh kung mgjajaywalking ka ay sa kulungan ang bagsak. sa davao del norte, sa pinakasuluk-sulukang parte nito. marahil ay hindi niyo ito alam..new corella, poblacion, tagum city. basta iyon..
nag-aral ako sa isang primary school lamang pero grade 1 lang. napakabata ko pa non. nagtapos ako sa Day Care nang may honor. ewan ko kung ano ung rank ko noon, wala naman akong paki don eh. nung Grade 1 ako sa paaralang ito, nag-away at naghiwalay ang papa at mama ko. ayoko talaga sa papa ko, kasi sobrang hindi talaga siya mabait. at nakuha ata yon ng kuya ko.. kaya nga, i curse both of them..siguro, kaya nahihirapan akong magkagusto o magtiwala sa isang lalaki dahil na rin sa mga napagdaanan ko sa papa at kuya ko.. dahil sa hiwalayan nina mama ay napilitan akong tumigil sa pag-aaral..ewan ko ba..
by the next year ay nag-aral na ako.tama lang naman ang edad ko kasi maaga akong nagdaycare eh. 1 year younger than the usual.. doon ako nag-aral sa may central school..nainggit kasi ako dahil yung mga kapitbahay ko ay doon nag-aaral..kaya doon nalang din ako.. may sundo ako.papunta at pauwi, binabayaran namin ang tricycle monthly.. piso pa lang ang pamasahe non, kaya isang buwan marahil ay P100 ang binabayad ni mama sa sundo ko.. pero, ang tagal niyang dumating pag uwian na kaya nilalakad ko nalang pauwi ang bahay namin,ang layo rin non ah! kaya siguro halos buto't balat nalang ako noon.. hindi ko kasama ang mama ko non kasi nagtatrabaho siya dito sa Gensan at don ako nakatira sa lola at lolo niya. as in sa kanya.. ang papa ko naman, malay ko ba kung saang lupalop na yun napadpad, wala akong pakialam..
Grade 1: (2nd time) teacher: Maam Bulaquina
singit: may stalker na ako dito..ewan..ang ganda ko pa siguro nitong time na ito..hehe.. ang daming nagkakagusto sa akin.. once nga, may isang guy, kiniss niya ako sa pisngi, sinumbong ko siya sa guro namin at naparusahan ang gago..

masaya naman ang life ko, pag may sayawan, ako agad ang kinukuha nila as leader. active ako masyado sa sayawan dito.. may isang picture pa nga ako non eh, hawak-hawak ko ang isang arko at sobrang bad mood ako, dahil hindi ko memorize ang steps kaya hayun, napahiya ako.. nagpapicture pa ako at kitang-kita sa pic ang galit at pagkabad trip ko..
lahat ng kapitbahay ko, pag nakikita ako, lagi na lamang sinasabing kamukha ko daw ang mama ko..oo na, kamukha ko na.. mama ko eh..at lagi akong kinagigiliwana t kinaiinggitan dahil first honor ako. paborito talaga ako ng teachers ko nun.

Grade 2: Maam Ale
present pa rin ang stalker ko..yun nga lang hindi na siya nag-aaral, pero nakikita ko pa rin siya..yung crush ko rin na matanda, andun pa rin. present pa rin..
nakilala ko si Jomarie..babae yan ha? first honor rin siya nung grade 1.
doon kasi sa amin, walang first sections..lahat equal..hindi basehan ang grades mo, para malaman mo kung anong section ka..kaw ang bahala kung sinong guro ang gusto mo..
may classmate ako non, Kc name..Kathleen Charisse..sosyal! kilala siya sa paaralan dahil ang mama biya ang guro doon..maganda, matangkad, maputi at higit sa lahat mayaman.. pinagtatawanan ko ito siya dati dahil pag kinakausap siya ay sisigaw talaga siya yong tipong pakyut na..at kung magsulat ay linya to linya ang effect.gets niyo? diba pag grade 2,tatlong linya pa ang paper niyan?blue, red at blue. blue to blue yan siya kung magsulat..hehehe..

singit: pangarap ko nung maging majorette..ang ganda kasi tingnan eh..i remember, kukuha ako ng stick taz hala kembot. pangarap ko ring maging gymnast non, alam niyo ung parang stick na may tali sa dulo.. na pag ihampas hampas mo sa ere ay maganda tingnan. basat un, imagie-in niyo na lang..gumagawa ako ng ganun, tali at stick lang..hehe..saka magbali-bali ng katawan..Ü

oo nga pala, si Jomarie.. first namin siya non, 2nd c Kc at 3rd ako.. wow.. ang baba ng rank ko..

Grade 3: Mam Omega
may bago akong crush, wendell ang pangalan.. crush niya ako..MU kami..may isa pa akong kA.MU si Manuelito..

Hindi ko na naging classmate si Jomarie..iba ang section niya non.
may isa akong hindi malilimutang experience sa Grade 3 life ko..
Sa bahay, may nakita akong sandals..high heeled..wow naman..umandar ang pagiging "M" ko.. ignorante..hehe..sinuot ko yun nung Miyerkules, kasi sa amin, Pag wednesday ay pwede magcivilian..suot suot ko yun..feel na feel ko naman..flip pa ng buhok..tapos biglang natisod ako at natanggal ang heels ng sandals ko.. as in yung heels talaga..ang pangit! ginawa ko..tinali ko using rubber bands..ewan!kahiya talaga..sa klase, tinawag ako ni mam para sumagot sa board.. matalino daw ako eh, kaya pumunta ako sa board na suot suot ko ang sandals na may heels na tinali ng rubber band.. sana ay naiimagine niyo..Ü sobrang nakakahiya lalo pa't pinagtawanan ako ng guro namin..

First honor ako ganun din si Jomarie..

Grade 4: Mam Comidoy
Bumalik ang crush ko, pero Grade 3 pa rin..tumigil kasi ba..
May bago akong crush, si Patrick..Kasabay ko parati umuwi..sinabi niya non sa kapatid ko, na crush niya daw ako..bwahaha! kilig to the bones naman ako..san na kaya siya ngayon ano?

classmate ko si Jomarie.. Naisip ko non na dapat patunayan kong mas matalino ako sa kanya, kasi pareho kami first honors kaya dapat mas lamangan ko siya.. ang bata ko pa para maging ganun noh?
pero, bestfriend ko siya. as in..siya ang tinuturing kong tunay na kaibigan noon.. pumupunta ako sa kanila everyday..doon kumakain..haha.. masarap kasi sila magluto kasi mga Ilocano..

Naaalala ko pa, inutusan kami ng guro namin na bumili ng "napkin".. malay ko ba kung ano yun.. sabi nung napagtanungan ko na dumating na daw ang barko ni mam.. buong pagtataka ang nasa isip ko non..ngayon, gets ko na..(haha!)

nakarating ako sa Davao City non, dahil nanalo ako sa isang Science Quiz Bee.. di nga ako makapaniwala eh na matalino pala ako non sa Science kasi ngayon, bobo pa sa pagong ang utak ko basta Science..
At the end of the year, First ako. kaya sobrang saya ko.. matalino pala talaga ako noon..marami ngang pumupuri sa akin noon eh..note: noon..

Napag-alaman kong kukunin kami ni Mama at dadalhin niya kami dito sa Gensan..
Sa sobrang lungkot ko non na iwan ang bestfriend ko.. binigyan ko na lamang siya ng kuwintas..
sabi ko pa nga noon, pag bumalik ako, hahanapin ko yun sa kanya..hay..ang bata ko pa para maging ganoon ka drama.. pero, totoo..may deal kami non..


***ilang taon na ang nakakalipas at hindi ko pa rin siya nakikita..
wala lang..
namimiss ko lang siya.. Sa tuwing pumupunta kasi kami doon sa bukid ay matagal na ang isang araw na pagsstay namin doon..may trabaho kasi si mama dito eh..mahirap daw iwan.. ni wala akong oras na hanapin man lang si Jomarie..hahai..

wala lang.. naalala ko lang..

i'm a little..feeling crazy and confused and whatever....

he can't read this.he doesn't know this site.but to those people who know him, ssssh.. don't mention his name here..mmmp!

i hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself..

because I am so sick. Because I am so weak. because I am so weak. so weak. so weak. because i love him. because i love the person whom i shouldn’t. i love him. but i shouldn’t because he has a girlfriend.

you don’t know how much i care for you. how much i want to love you. how much i want you to be mine. how much i want you two to stop your relationship. you don’t know how much i wanted to hug you during my bday. you don’t know how many tears i shed for you. you don’t know how awkward being with you, when you’re trying to ignore me. you don’t know how it hurts seeing her messages and comments in your friendster. you don’t know how those rip my heart. you don’t know because you don’t care.

all these years, i am still waiting for you. i wait for you. although i don’t know if there is really someone to be waited. i hate myself because of all the people, why you? and i hate myself.. because after all those years, you are still the one i love?you are still the one i wish to be with my side. i hate you..because you can’t see me. i hate you because i love you!

you are no one but not a boyfriend-material. i love you.. i can love you more than she can. i can give you what you want more than she can. i love you..although you’re not my type. i love you although i hate you..

i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate seeing you because it hurts too much.. you don’t know how much.. because you don’t love me..
the fact is you really don’t care bout me..bout how i am suffering..how i consider you as a special someone. you don’t care and you won’t..

i love your smile.. your jokes.. they’re killing me.. the way you love your gf.. i hope you would do all those things to me and not to her.. i keep on telling how supportive i am when it comes to ur love life.. but deep inside me is a burning hell. each night..each night i remember you is hell.. it is so painful and i don’t know how to stop it or how to control it.. i always grant your requests whether they’re impossible or not. i make things possible for you.. and each day i hope you would do the same.. although it is so painful fixing your friendster when i see her msgs and comments and etc. i still try to ignore the pain because i know you won’t love me back. because i know she’s the one you think is for you..because only she can make you happy..because i know there is no hope for the two of us..anymore..

yes, we had a past.. an unconfirmed past..but you totally removed everything that happened to us.. and now, i keep on asking myself why can’t i do the same..why can’t i just fool myself in hating you and ignore your presence.. you don’t know how it hurts!you don’t know how hard..you don’t know..because i know that you don’t care.. you don’t..

neglecting is the best solution for this..but it is the least possible thing i can do..it is the least possible thing i can force myself to do because it won’t be effective..because it won’t work..because the more i see you..the more it hurts me..the more you bug me, the more i’m bothered. the more you love her, the more you make me feel alone. the more you tell her you need her, the more i need you..

i hate myself for falling for you because you won’t catch me anyway.. whatever i do..i would just be broken. i would just be hurt.. i would just be alone. i would just be in pain..and you would just always ignore and leave me..to be with her..

i don’t hate her.. i don’t hate her for loving you.. but i hate myself for loving you knowing there isn’t no hope..no hope..but i still am waiting for you no matter how i force myself to give to others every thing i give to you.. i am waiting for you to come and catch me.. and love me back.


October 28, 2008. i did this when i was so obssessed with this someone.. just a remembrance.. bother not to read..Ü

i had an overflowing feelings for him.. then, i didn't know if it would change or be alleviated.. but, it did...Ü

hiya na tuloy aq......mmmmp....

Bawat Sandali


Mula sa pagmulat ng aking mga mata
Mukha mo ang una kong naaalala
Hanggang sa pagtayo ng aking mga paa
Tanging ikaw ang nasa aking diwa

Bigla na lamang kumislap ang buhay ko
Mula nang ikaw ay aking nakatagpo
Binigyan mo ng kulay ang aking mundo
Ito'y paraiso, umiikot sa'yo

Ang aking puso talagang binihag mo
Maging ang aking isip ay kinulong mo
Tanging hiling ay sana ay maramdaman
Ang pagsinta ko ay sa'yo lamang

Pangalan ko ay hindi mo nababatid
Talagang estranghero sakin ang tingin
Sa iyo lamang ako'y nais magpapansin
Iyong paghanga ay aking nais angkin

Ninais ko ang mapalapit sa iyo
Nang sa gayon naman kahit papaano
Ang loob ay sa akin masanay
Ako rin ay ibigin ano bang malay!

Mga oras na ika'y aking masilayan
Ito'y parang 'sang malaking katuparan
Pagbaling sakin ng mahiwagang tingin
Kumbaga'y parang naabot na bituin

Ako'y nandito't palaging umaasa
Sana ay darating ang pagkakataon na
Tinatagong lihim ko'y suklian mo rin
Hiling ko sana ako ay ibigin rin

...i made this when i was in 2nd year..pambata!

so.. what's the big deal now? I can't remember who was my inspiration.. or did i really have one?

hahaha..

so, what is really wrong with me?

i want to cry right now. but i just don't know why. I'm making this blogsite a dump site, dump site of my unstability.
I get so irritated everytime i remember all the mistakes and regrets I've done..that no matter how i try to erase all of those in my mind, they just won't fade away..but they do otherwise, they tend to dig into my sanity more and more..i just have nothing to do but bump my head more to the wall..
why do i have to feel this way? and i really feel so bad about the things i've done. and i curse myself because i am a such a loser for being so careless in saying words and in executing actions..
may 25,2007.. oh how can i forget that date? i would never ever forget the day when i lost the only thing that i shouldn't have lost.. dignity..
and now? i get crazy trying to bring it back again.. win it back..

sometimes, i just want to fade away
knowing nobody would cry for me
it feels bad everytime i seek
for an attention;i get frustrated

i know you don't care for me
i know you don't need me
but then, i need you, as friends
though, for you, i'm worthless

i hate you..
for letting me feel more alone
i hate you..

twilight..

the movie was too far from what i've imagined edward was, in the book..and it was like, i couldn't feel his love for bella unlike in the book.. i was really disappointed of the movie.. i might have been expecting too much..and i just thought maybe, they had to make the movie in a hurry because of the changed showing schedule, because of that..the movie didn't turn out well. it felt like the movie is fast, the events.. everything about it.. and i'm impatiently waiting for the new moon.. i hope they'd make it better than twilight..


wait for my complete post bout twilight.

it's hard for me to give this a title

i never really experienced falling deeply in love with someone. well, i mean, to the extent that i would be giving everything and i wonder how that feels.. mmmp..
as of this moment, i read love stories and i do feel this envy, and this emptiness.. knowing that these stories never happened to me.. i feel like crying right now, i dunno why.. maybe, i must have taken by these stories.. in a way that i can compare the leading ladies' lives to mine..

emptiness.. wow..great word.. i feel i'm alone.. is that really the bad effect of reading love stories? it feels like i want to steal my heart away from my body and touch it slowly..trying to heal this emptiness i feel.. consoling it.. maybe in that way, by the time i'll return it to its place in my chest, it won't be hurting anymore..it won't be feeling painful anymore.

i got no words right now that would at least probably lessen the pain in my chest.. you know what, i try to be fallen in love with a guy.. u don't know how much i do..but then, i always fail.. i always feel this thing they call infatuation and end as a loser..

sometimes, i want to enter into a vague relationship just to feel love.. actually not love, i just want to be hurt because of love. yep.. and whoa.. i'll do everything for that.. oh men.. i feel numb right now.. i feel so helpless.. tsk3..

complicated noh..?
bear with my unstable emotions..

someone who's real

i miss being there..
cloud9.. as what they call it..
i miss falling in love..
and i wonder how am i gonna grab
someone who's real

i've always been infatuated
with someone who's not even existing
i always get head over heels
and it's quite bothering how i need
someone who's real

indeed i know how love feels
i'm not actually numb
yes i know it's not normal
but who i really want to be beside me
is someone who's real

edward cullen, crisostomo ibarra
i get crazy over these lads
i feel hopeless and i feel
the need of falling in love
with someone who's real

Great Orientation

Nov 14, 2008.. was the 4th time i went to city hall for Junior officials purposes. It was our orientation day.. We had speakers, to orient us of course. of how Gensan City hall works, the accountability, effective public speaking and lastly, we were taught bout the parliamentary procedure..it was fun..
I liked the public speaking part.. Hon. Ramon Melliza was our speaker.. He wasn't really that good in pronuncing words but he is definitely a good speaker.. he got my eyes stared straight at him and my mouth shut.. I will never forget what he told us bout Carlos P. Romulo..
Carlos P. Romulo was a short man.. very short that one time he needed to speak in front of a crowd but the rostrum was a lot taller than him..he told his secretary to get him something to lift him up, she took the thickest dictionary of the place.. and Carlos did get taller than the rostrum.
But, don't be deceived.. He was a great speaker.. One time, there was a debate and his opponent was a *big* Russian man.. The Russian told him.."If u won't stop..I'll swallow you" Scary huh.. But then, Carlos wasn't frightened yet he told the man.." If you would swallow me.. You would have more brain in your stomach than in your head.." oh.. what can you say? Great huh..?
After that, Carlos was elected as the president of UN.. He was the first Filipino who got that achievement..
Everytime he spoke to a crowd, they would always stop what they were doing and lend their ears to Carlos.

Hon. Melliza gave us some tips in public speaking..
*mastery of the topic
*consistence of the subject
*injecting jokes
*decency in words and actions
*and most importantly, sincerity..

I learned a lot from our orientation..and in the afternoon, we got into the session hall.. I felt that I was a bonafide official already..haha..
At the end of the day, i became the counterpart of Hon. Jose Orlando Acharon.. Nice..
And we'll be having our launching and oath taking this Monday at Gensan Oval Court.. with Mayor Acharon.. Oh.. Can't wait for the Mangrove planting next week!

Defy or Defend

i have an article here bout that "same-sex relationship".. This seems to be the "hot" topic of the town.. i just heard bout that celebrity who went to America to marry "his" boyfriend.. I watched one episode of Oprah where transgender was featured.. I saw how an anatomically boy turned to a girl. The same way with that girl who, when turned 16..got her breasts cut out, turned to a boy.
My mean in writing this article is not to hurt anyone who is involved in this issue, yet, try to hear each and everyone's comments bout such thing.
I see how rampant this kind of thing is.. I mean no purpose of discrimination.. I mean no point of impartiality.. This case seems to be so sensitive.. I hope to hear your views..

I obtained some lines from a religious magazine..

"The Church clearly distinguishes between homosexual orientation and homosexual behavior. While the homosexual orientation cannot be held against the person who experiences it, the homosexual behavior is considered intrinsically wrong.."
"Does homosexual behavior have a Biblical basis or justification? Absolutely none! Only those who have not read the Bible can dare to claim that God approves of, or is indifferent, to such sexual behavior. "
"The Bible says that the Lord God created the human beings "male and female" both in view of procreation and also for mutual help and companionship."

However some say, they're just expressing their love.. and loving was never wrong..

Why do some persons tend to fall in love with their same sex? Maybe, in some ways..they could feel their importance because of them. It could be that they feel more comfortable with them than being with their opposite sex.. Maybe, they had have enough of loving their opposite sex.. Or maybe, they were influenced by their friends..
Social Influence can be a great factor..

I need some opinions about this.
I mean, say something not just in a religious way, rather in your own way.. in your own view.. just as long as you say whatever you think..

Opinon:
For me, I was a victim of this thing. But, I never let it get the best of me.. What I felt was just a mere infatuation and I tried my very best to move on and forget what I felt.. I was greatly influenced by my friends .. I argued with each person who defied what I felt for my same sex.. I was involved and I really regret what happened.. However, it taught me a lot.. So, for me.. that feeling is just not permanent..

when i reached teenage,. or when the time i assumed my personality details.. i always thought i was a kind of a girl who rarely fears anything..
but then, when i watch horror movies..i get shaking knees..
when i reached teenage..i always thought, i was numb or stone-hearted..
but then, when i see beggars..i get torn-hearted..
when i reached teenage.. i always thought, i was insensitive..
but then, i get teary eyes each time my mother nags me..

sometimes.. in life.. your perspective can be wrong.. things you think what they are.. persons you think who they are.. may not what they really are.. even ourselves.. we can't maybe define our own selves..
time will come.. we wouldn't recognize our own image and personality.. the changes.. the improvements..
jumping to a conclusion without really assuring each single detail of who we are or what things are, but getting to the end of being discouraged of how things change seems disappointing.. in a sense that, we really do not know ourselves.

things are not what they seem to be..